Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
#damn
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
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If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries