If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
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*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.