GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me