I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
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I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.