me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
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If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
when someone compliments me
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?