*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.