TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
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Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
When I laugh on my period
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant