[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
it was love at first sight
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have