I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
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“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”