Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
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All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me checking my bank balance online.
i will avenge u mr van gogh