Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
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*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life