Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.