Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
What my back needs
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I think my mom just blocked me
This sounds bad:
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now