People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
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If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
wut hotdog?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
favorite tropes as memes
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.