[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
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I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now