Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
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I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Carpe DM
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I get distracted pretty eas
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period