It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
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I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Meanwhile in Portland…