A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.