What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
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If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Before & after 😅
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait