I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
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“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die