Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
😂😂
The government even made aliens boring
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’