“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
This fish is cracking me up
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality