History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
You Might Also Like
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.