It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
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No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?