God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me when my alarm goes off
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.