Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
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I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.