Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
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I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?