What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
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No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
But I really needed water water water
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I am, perchance
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.