Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
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Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.