Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My dad is at it again
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil