Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
what
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan