I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
You Might Also Like
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
opening twitter today
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face