Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house