I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
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“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
This is the best one I’ve seen
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.