I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
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[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Smooooooth
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”