I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.