Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
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Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
we’re dead?
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Reporter: *ports again*
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake