I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
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How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?