♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Unimpressed
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.