I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
No regrets in 2018
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*