People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
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I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time