DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
You Might Also Like
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
“How’s your day going?”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!