for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
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That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
*limbos away from your hug*
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
The symmetry is uncanny.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)