If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
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“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
This makes total sense…
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…