Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
You Might Also Like
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night