*launders Kohls cash*
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Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
same bro
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.