“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.