When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
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Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.