[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
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can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR: