Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
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I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
White parent Vs Arab parents
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that